These past couple of months, I have been struggling around one big question:
Did God create me wrongly?
What led me to asking that question, you may ask..
Here’s my explanation:
I have been on a journey of self-discovery for the past year or so.
Since my grandpa passed away, a lot of things has changed. And it changed my life too.
My decisions, more often that not, result in objections and skepticism from my closest circle.
My interests are deemed to be mundane and valueless for them too.
(Just to straighten things out, these are not those kinds of interest.. they’re as basic as liking street food better than fine dining restaurants, jeans and t-shirts > dresses and skirts).
As a result,
I became more closed off about my life and feelings,
I sometimes find it difficult to just express my true and authentic feelings to others so I just keep them to myself,
which left me feeling overwhelmed, exhausted and drained for most of the time.
Maybe I could not process all that sentiments and emotions well yet,
I started to feel insecure and negative about myself.. questioned myself as a being.
Even beyond — I began to question God’s creation over my life.
Did He created me wrongly?
Did He miss something when He created and shaped me into the human being that I am?
Day and night, those questions ghost me nonstop.
I asked my closest friends / sisters in Christ about that and all they could say was
No, He did not create you wrongly. Nothing is wrong with you.
At first, I could not get my mind around that answer that they gave. Doubts are still hovering on my mind, questions upon questions were still bombarding me every single day.
It was a Sunday afternoon at church, God decided to answer me Himself through a song we sang at the service. I knew the song quite well for a while now, but it never really touched me the way it did that day.
“Kau membuatku sesuai rencanaMu,
You created me according to Your plan,
Kau memegang s’tiap musim hidupku,
You hold my every season,
Ku serahkan semua kekuatiranku,
I surrender all my worries,
KumilikMu.
I’m Yours.
S’mua kekuranganku Kau pun tahu,
You know all my flaws,
tetap Kau pandang indah dalam-Mu,
Yet You still call me beautiful.
Ku angkat tangaku dan berseru
I’ll lift my hands and say
KumilikMu.
I’m Yours.”
Right then and there, my tears broke.
It felt like God was talking straight at me, reminding me and assuring me that there is nothing wrong with me. Absolutely nothing.
Everything that I am, He created. He shaped me. He moulded me.
All to be who I am today. Flawed, but worthy. Definitely worthy in His eyes.
The world may dictate differently, but Jesus is the One who brought me into existence and that should be the basis of my identity.
What the world says should not quaver me away from who He says I am.
Other people may have opposing interest, likes and preference.. but that should not question who we are. Let them be who they are, and we be who we are — deeply rooted in Jesus.
Thus, my friends,
be confident in who you are in Jesus Christ.
Though you may stand alone in this world, He is with you. Jesus is the One fighting our battles, He is the hope and anchor of our souls.
Stand strong in the Lord, for He will exalt you in His own time. He is faithful.
Have faith not only in Jesus, but in His timing.
You are worthy.
You are loved.
Be deeply rooted in Jesus that you wouldn’t need any other worldly assurance.
Blessings!
❤
-C
GRACE&CHOCOLATE 